If I do not know myself,
can I change?
can I make myself in to something by will?
can I deny the scorpion who killed the frog his justification,
by putting myself about it.
can I put an end to suicidal tendencies?
I would like that very much.
I once misused the word "ephemeral"-short lived,
when I was thinking "enigmatic".
What a perfect blunder, an echo off the back of my mind.
so no, identities are not enigmatic,
they are ephemeral,
much is love.
and so, I can change.
I will stop awaiting the day you bloom,
and stop making comparisons between my life and plants I pretend to understand.
I can't say I will always be happy.
but I hope to give myself a sense of pride in overcoming the shadow of my identity.
I once wrote and "I am" poem with self-centered similes,
I will another tomorrow, without them.
the epitome an climax of my insufferable self pity.
and then it will be done.
and I hope one day to say things like:
"cast your shadow upon me, for I know the sun still shines"
I have not seen it yet I think,
no I have seen what I thought was god in overcast skies,
trying to draw meaning from not a person, but the idea of one.
and again I find myself listening to the mechanical tick of a clock,
and the faint hum of florescent lights that seem to follow one forever.
so can I say no more?
can I kill myself, the one I pity,
and make myself into what I've said I would be from this point on,
countless times before?
with any luck,
no. any will,
I will.
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